Life rebuild v1.0

I’d like to say I have cleaned out my entire apartment but that would be a lie. Although I have come a long way and I now experience a different kind of resonance when making sounds, almost like an echo. I would call that progress and a weird kind of satisfaction. I have a long road ahead of me. Luckily for me it’s straight so I can’t go wrong – right?

For the past year or so I’ve been without a physical planner and I really never carry along a notebook anymore. It’s something I miss. So today I finally ordered a new planner, the Moleskine Pro Weekly Vertical Planner in A4-size. I’ve used that one before and I really like it. In addition to that one I also ordered a new notebook, the classic one in pocket-size so I can carry it with me at work, which is its main purpose.

Almost on a daily basis there’s things at work I need to remember to do at a later point but I tend to forget about them, only to be reminded and stressed about it days later. And nowadays when I have gotten more assignments I really have to keep track of my duties. The whole idea is to make the notes and then put them down into the planner at a later stage, unless it’s something urgent.

This planning/tracking/note-taking-process will hopefully relieve some stress that I have and also make me more productive in the long run, allowing me to pursue other interests. I’ll let you know how things progress from here…

Oh Happy Life

Breakdown. Happy days. Uncertain. Exhausted. Motivated. Happy days. Breakdown. Sleep. More sleep. Motivated. Happy days. Repeat.

This is my circle of life – more or less – and it drives me insane. I am tired of it. I just want to be able to live a steady life with steady emotions so I can keep working on my larger life goals. I want to stop stressing about it all; whether I will wake up to a happy day or a shitty day; not worrying about if I will be able to go to work or if it will be a day in bed.

Sometimes I fantasize about sleeping on a mattress on the floor, having only one set of dining-wares and just my laptop, sitting on a pillow with a low table for a desk and just a small selection of clothing that’s been carefully curated to fit all my needs.

I am in complete chaos. My brain is in complete chaos. My home is getting there but still is in complete chaos. My routines are non existent, throughout. Knowing this I also know that I am in desperate need of a life change. A factory reboot if you will.

This has got me thinking. While I can keep on trying to do small changes here and there, build routines where most needed and stumble along in this life I am nowadays more curious of a hard reset. Shit’s not working so my approach needs to change.

Making up my mind is the first step I have to take and then run with it, see it until the end and then reflect back on the journey and the now – refine it.

How will something like a hard reset work in practical terms? Not really sure but a clean slate would be a start. Now, a complete fresh start is somewhat difficult. Take my daily job as an example: I need it to pay my bills and afford food and what not so I can not really just quit. I could get myself a new apartment or house and just dump everything I have. Practically that’s doable but seriously expensive. Other than those two I can not really see any other reason to why I could not start my life over.

Take my existing living: I could get rid of mostly everything inside it; furnitures, my bed, cook- and dining-wares, decorations, clothing etcetera. Replacing all of this step by step from nothing is possible. Expensive? Sure but over time it does not have to be so bad. This might be overkill but by beginning to remove anything that I really never use will allow for a more simplistic living with less distractions.

I shall become the master of my own life!

Wednesday Rain

This is one of those days when sleep does not arrive. Not on time anyways. So I get up to get away from my restless legs and spinning mind. I have myself a smoke while hanging out in the open window and cover my head with the hood of my shirt. It’s raining. I make myself some coffee. I enjoy it. Bob Dylans very first album is playing. Mind keeps spinning like a derailed freight train.

I manage to make another To-Do-list with the same old stuff on it. I never check things off. Sometimes I do what’s on the list. Mostly not. Oftentimes there’s much more interesting things to occupy oneself with. I had a peek at the many stage-plays and novel-projects I have started writing on. Maybe I’ll write some today instead of heading out in the rain for a bike ride.

I’d like to get back to the theater. The stage. The productions. The community of creative souls. The sometimes empty salon when you stay late or come in early. Dark. Drink some coffee and exchange a story or two. Read stage plays. By yours truly or someone else. The talks about it. Excitement and disappointment. We all still love one and another.

If I put my mind to it. Dedicate time off my life to it. My most resent creation in progress is closing in on first draft finish and should therefore not be far off a complete completion. Would be nice. Far too long has it been since last time I finished a story. I would need to brew up some more coffee. Cup almost empty. Maybe that’s just procrastination.

Disappearing From The World

Alaska Frank

Issue #1, Where is home

Autumn rain brings sadness to mind; summer’s joy past and forgotten. I wish for peace of mind; freed from despair — I cover my face with my hands to stop an urge to scream aloud — I do not belong in this world. I never have. Never will. Headaches, panic attacks and lonely tears in the darkness of my home; when will it all stop, the noises in my head telling me about failure? I need to disappear, from this life. This society I’m supposed to part of. This world. It slowly kills me from deep inside.

A Million Opportunities

Uncertainty.

Throughout my life I’ve been struggling with uncertainty – from the early days in school deciding what path to take when applying to high school (did decide for science and math but had a passion for sports as well) and even after that, what work area to educate myself in. Here I’ve done a bunch of different things in the university level of studies: architecture and building design, writing and most recently, theater. My carer-choices has been a bit varied to say the least but they all have one common thing: creativity. Still, to this day, I am uncertain of what I like to do with the rest of my life, what to focus on. Sometimes I think of getting myself an education in economics, sometimes electrical engineering. Sometimes, just let all of those things go and focus on my play writing and writing in general. But that’s the problem – focus on one thing in order to get really good at it. Feels like I’m just tapping the surface of it and then getting bored and I start looking for something new and exciting. I end up doing nothing of importance and wasting my time.

Dedication.

In a lifetime you can be the very best at one thing, maybe two if you are a natural born talent. Maybe that statement is true. If so, I’ve lost a big part of my time to get the very best at anything closing in on my mid 30s. I envy those who find something they like and are able to stick with it, through thick and thin, through bad times and good times. How do one do this? Writing, even though I’ve had ups and downs, has been the one thing I have been able to stick with over the years but it’s far from a dedication. To be honest, I have not been able to dedicate myself completely and fully to anything.

Decisions.

I’m at a point in life where I feel I need to make the hard decisions – decide what I want to do with my life so I don’t end up with regrets when I’m old. Because, that’s how I feel right now. On one hand a solid education in an area of economics or engineering is sort of safe in the aspects of work and financing. On the other hand, writing is sort of my passion and the one thing I come back to all the time but it’s a risky work-area when looking at the financial side of things. Yea, I have no real clue of how to make this decision. Not at this time anyways.

Balance.

Workout – in particular road cycling – has become a big part of my life in the recent year, taking up a lot of my time between work and sleep. Great improvements to my physical has been made and it feels really good. As I wrote in the first part of this post I have a tendency to find a joy in something and then loose interest. Cycling and training might be one of those things. So far I have not lost my interest but I do dedicate most of my time to it and if the tradition will be followed, I will most likely overdo it and fall away from it. This has ment that everything else has been neglected, completely. My play writing does not happen. Blogging does not really happen. Video-creating for my Youtube channel does not happen. I don’t know how to balance my life.

Decisions.

In many ways I feel as if I have reach a crossroad where I have set up base-camp and now going forth and back on the different roads, scouting ahead a little to peak at what the different roads has to offer. Everything is interesting but how does one make the right decision? It’s time to pack up and leave…

Terrified and Curious

Here we go…

There’s been a long time now since I wrote a post – or anything for that matter – here on this very blog. I’ve thought about it. Several times. Every time I stop a few lines in and just quit, overwhelmed by thoughts such as “I live a boring live, therefore what I write is boring.” It might be true. Or it might not. But the fact is that I do feel bored out of my mind mostly all the time. Restless. Unable to sleep properly. Unproductive. I latch on to a thought but just for a brief moment before I loose interest.

I spend my days thinking about this; why it is like this and how I could possibly change it. I am now stuck here, in this very thought process and the hole I have begun digging keeps getting deeper and larger.

Sleep has become such a big problem that it affects my daily life (read regular job) to such extent that the company is providing help from a psychotherapist. We have met a few times and for each time we realize that the hole is bigger than we both initially would have thought. So we are going to ramp things up, big time.

Funny thing. Last time I met with her we came to a an agreement to start meeting once a week instead of roughly every six weeks or so. But she did ask me: “are you ready to deep dive?” Fuck that was a scary question. From previous meetings I’ve realized she is really good at asking the uncomfortable questions that hits you hard inside. Now when she asks if I am ready to deep dive into my inner self I get scared. Like, what have we been doing for the past year?

Of course I said yes. Hell, although I am scared I am also curious to learn more about my self and how I function. In the long run I might actually learn some new tools and skills to deal with my “problems” and get better.

I am very lucky to work for a company that wants to help you and provides you with the necessary health programs and also pays for it.

For the time being my blog might not get regular updates with new posts or short stories and poetry and the likes. I do focus my time outside of work and sleeping on training – road cycling in specific – which helps me get my mind relaxed and focused at the current workout. I’m actually doing a mountainbike race this weekend, my very first one.

If you are curious about my training why don’t you head over to my other site: Alaska Frank Outdoors, where you also can read about my outdoor adventures and the most recent one, a trip to Lofoten, Norway.

Scream At The Sky

Alaska Frank

Issue #1, Where is home

This is not how life’s supposed to be, dark and lifeless; lonesome. Once the morning struggle has passed and the cup of coffee has been drunken I fade into nothingness; a deep abyss as cold as the deep of northern winters. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel — just darkness — except for the bright light off the computer screen; taunting me with its clean white face. Nothing I can do about it. I scream, a silent scream; I would not want the world to notice my agony. It’s mine and mine to face alone; my dearest friend who never leaves my side. I forces a smile.

Wake Up

Alaska Frank

Issue #1, Where is home

Sudden high pitch noice destroys the silence of a night’s sleep; morning struggle commence — I snooze the alarm clock — one more minute. An urgent need to pee forces me out into the cold air of the still dark space, leaving the peace and comfort under a down blanket. Slow brain guides my naked body through piles of crap towards salvation; looking for something to wear — dress-pants and shirt — pulled from the laundry basket. Morning coffee brew awaits — yesterday’s grounds thrown into the filled up trashcan — while I power up the computer to start today’s session; brain’s still asleep. A smoke before I begin staring at the screen sipping coffee — hours pass — slowly; no new words has been written, a hundred thousand to go. Several cigarettes inhaled; a slow death they say. Pity them not enjoying pleasures in life; a slow death I say.

When Will The Suffering End?

It happened again and now I am filled with regret even though it is something I can not really help, it is out of my control. I am working on gaining control of the situation but the root of the problem runs deep and spreads into every part of my life.

Now you might ask yourself: “What is crazy Frank talking about?” Let me explain.

Every now and then I crash, hard, and I sleep for a full twenty-four hours, give or take a few a hours. It is a great deal of trouble as I am an employee and have a job to show up at. Furthermore, I can not tell anyone about it until I wake and by that time it is to late. My phone has by this time several missed calls, unread messages on Messenger. The first thing that comes through my mind when I realize what has happened is “fuck” and then I feel like crying. I rarely don’t.

As far as I can tell, the root of this problem comes down to stress and my creative mind – my brains never stops working on different ideas – but also my fear of not doing what I really should which ultimately will lead to my demise, feeling sad and regretful for not chasing after my dreams. Going through every day with the feeling of wasting time and not doing what you should do will take its toll.

So I dream, and fantasize about a different life, a better life.

I am not happy, not really. I survive the day and I can laugh and joke and be social. But deep down I am unhappy, closing myself off from the outside world and sit in the darkness of my messy apartment, contemplating whether I should actually do something useful or just go back to bed.

As I wrote in the last post I have begun road cycling and it has helped me a lot, especially on the stress part of things. When on the bike I am free from trouble and I get focused. I can not be on the bike every day all the time. I have, in its basic form, taken bike riding as a form of therapy to get away from everything that troubles me. It’s doomed to fail, unless I can manage to face my fears naked (so to speak).

And so the days goes on, one after the other, without me working on the problems. Ignoring them until they hit me – and they hit hard – and I am back to reality, feeling sorry for myself.

When will this suffering end?

Cycling Has Replaced Writing

This is just a short update on my life in general and not really a topic on writing.

Although I have a novel series to continue writing in addition to two ongoing stage plays I have turned down the writing time in favor of more time spent on my road bike as I am in training for a 300 kilometer race due this June.

At this time I am highly focused on the training and I have found it helps me dealing with stress and making me feel better over all. I sleep better although still not as good as I would like but I take everything I can get. I probably eat better as well but just as with sleep I could do a lot better on that as well.

Follow my journey on my second site: Alaska Frank Outdoors

As with everything you can not do it every day all the time and so it is with the road bike training. Twice a week I have dedicated time to writing but so far, since the training started, I have yet to get down with the writing on said days. Most often I am exhausted and all I want to do is shove my face in a pizza and a bag of candy while wasting time on Youtube and movies. And so I do.

For the time being I will continue with my workouts and leave a little room for writing on the in-between-days but not set any writing goals or deadlines. The days are there if I want them. I probably need this leeway while I keep digging my brains out in the search for the ultimate balance of daily life.