A Messy Mind – A Messy Living

Life for a creative mind is not always easy, and making and maintaining healthy routines is not something that comes by itself. Most often it’s seen as a distraction to the creative process of just sitting in your chair typing away on that next one script.

The mind works in mysterious ways and mine is no exception. It can only focus on one specific project for a brief moment before it gets bored and starts looking for something else. That makes a perfect concept for a messy mind as several projects are going on at the same time.

At the time of writing this post I have two stage-plays, two novels and little bits and pieces from a massive novel series going on. For the plays I have a daily goal of about 500 words, each. Add to that the other 2000 words or so I am supposed to write on the two novels. I can’t produce 3000 words a day, not while working a full time job.

The solution is to learn how to stay focused on one project at the time. The tools to do so are still to me unknown. And as I mentioned earlier, my mind gets bored really quick even if I am excited when I start the writing session. And that’s when I jump over to the next script…

The daily routines around the house and life in general gets neglected and slowly but surly it all falls apart. The pile of crap gets bigger and the task of dealing with it get more and more daunting.

The stress builds up over time and sometimes it becomes unbearable. I go to sleep instead of dealing with it, the mess I mean, and I think to myself: ‘I’ll do it the first thing in the morning’. Never happens.

Nowadays it feels like I am beginning to get into the right mind, as I have been able to stay on one project for a few days in a row now. Also, I have once again begun looking around at my crap and come to a conclusion: if I get the mess out of the way I can write unconcerned and hopefully stay even sharper than before.

I am hopeful.

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Falling Away From Me, continued…

Boredom and my inability to get things done are the two things I struggle the most with.

     Just a moment ago when I stepped outside to have a smoke I caught myself thinking “there’s got to be more to life than this”, and this meaning work, eat, sleep, repeat. I am sure there is but at the moment I cannot see it. For some unknown reason my personal life is on a steep downhill while work and financial stability is on a rise, something I am not used to.

     For most of my life I’ve been a student – University or not – and my life has circled around learning while being on a tight budget. And sometimes I think back at those days and I head over to different universities websites to read up on their selections, to see if something is appealing to me. There always is. My work are not stimulating for the mind yet I find myself tired when I get home and all I want to do is sleep, and I do, a lot. To much if you ask me…

     Always looking for something new and the feeling of being stuck in the ordinary might very well be some of the reasons to why I am feeling bored most of my time (even now writing this) and since I sleep so much it’s hard to get things done (obviously).

     On one hand I’d like to start fresh; get a new apartment in the city, new furniture and clothing and dinnerware and just have a reboot. On the other hand I’d like to stay here and get things sorted out before looking for something else. My thinking goes like this: “if I can’t handle this place then a new place will become the same shit hole unless I change the fundamentals, i.e. my look on life and healthy daily routines.

Let’s get ready for action.

I’m an expert at procrastination. 

Here’s the first post called Falling Away From Me

The Exhaustion Of Being An Emotional Writer

Writing is for the most part a joyful experience but every now and then I suffer from exhaustion created by to much emotions over a longer period of time. I have no way of battling this.

The thing that is happening when I get into the groove of writing is that I tend to look for ways to insert myself into the emotions of the character (or situation) that I am writing. It’s a process of mental meditation, walking around the apartment talking out loud the possibly written lines to myself and just general noise making. Music can sometimes help. But this is exhausting.

My writing process is very slow and a single line of dialogue can take me hours, if you include all the changes made to it before I am satisfied and can move on to the next line of dialogue or description.

Descriptions is a major time-consuming part as I most often have to do research about what things looked like “back in the days” and if certain things even did exist. I do not stick to history completely but I use it as a guide to avoid wandering too far from it.

The shower is my friend and enemy; a place I tend to seek after a couple of hours of writing. The same goes with cigarettes and coffee: too much too often. But I need these things to keep my mind sane, or as close to sane as one possibly can when writing about horrific things with one’s own feelings attached.

Don’t ask me why I write about murders and rape and general brutal things done by one “human” against another. I have no answer to it. Maybe it is brought upon me by society, a way for me to coup with the horrific things happening in real life, as seen through social media and news outlets from all over the world.

Real life always seems to outmatch fiction.

Another subject pretty much always present in my writing is mental disorder: the main character troubled with the past, materialized as a mind ghost and/or a physical entity. Mostly this mind ghost is a bad influence turning the main character insane and to bad decisions and actions, hurting others around.

So being an emotional writer is rough, on both body and mind. But if I don’t write about it it will turn into a poison making me mentally unstable.

Length of Writing Sessions

I’ve been told that a few minutes a day is enough, at leas until you get into the habit of writing every day. After that you can start increasing the length of the writing sessions. That I should not worry so much about how many words I put down or if any. Just the fact that I sit down and dedicate the time to writing and only writing is good enough. This is easier said than done. Irregularities are more common than not. And when I actually do sit down to write I do that when I feel greatly motivated which means the writing sessions gets long. So long in fact that my brain gets wasted and all other chore of the day gets postponed, leaving me feeling quite down. I head into the shower to wash it all off. I’ve begun a new story (again) but this time around its a novel and not a stage play. The idea came from a dream – more like a nightmare – and I jotted it down quickly in a new Scrivener project, knowing I would one day want to write the story. After the initial creation of the document I did not write anything for about a month. Yesterday I began the writing, just a few hundred words, and today I have written another few hundred words. The sessions has been around an hour or so, maybe slightly more, but my brain is fried (hence why I sit here writing something else.) Now to my question: how do you handle brain meltdown and keep pushing the every day writing? How long are your writing sessions and how did you end up there? Maybe you got any helpful practical tips for someone like me who are impulsive…

Falling Away From Me

For a few hours now I have been sitting here with a cup of coffee and done nothing, except for thinking about how most things in my life are falling apart, piece by piece and I neither have the energy or motivation to fix any of it.

My brain is full of ideas with everything from writing, build/renovation projects to workout and company building. Its a great mess up in my head. It is so messy up there that when I sit down to, let say write little piece of something, I loose my concentration so quickly that it all becomes a tiresome struggle – I head into the shower to get listen the sound of water over my head.

Furthermore, I am nowadays a lot more easily irritated and I feel tired most of my woken time, sleeping irregular with sometimes just a few hours a sleep and other nights way to much. I guess these are close and affect each other. As do food and eating which I am failing with and this is as irregular as sleep, if not worse. That’s a bad thing. Real bad.

It all feels like I have reach a point in my life where everything is pointless and a heavy burden and my escape is to do nothing. It surly does not work by doing nothing, only building up on the feeling of boredom and being useless. Just a dreamer who have failed in life beforehand.

I am not sad or feeling depressed or something. Just utterly bored with my life.

So, if any of you who follow this blog has wondered why I am not publishing post or reading/commenting on your posts, this is the reason. But I am working on it…

My Struggle of the Every Day Life

It’s no secret that I dabble in the pool of crap of my own creation – an extremely messy apartment that can only be fixed with a proper overhaul, a cleansing if you will. It has gone so far that it hinder me in my daily life and tasks at hand. I am ashamed of it and I wonder how I could let it go this far. I know my primary goal and the top of my figuratively to-do-list should be sorting this mess out. Instead I look the other way and stare into my computer screen, numbing my brain with pointless entertainment on Youtube.

The vision of my small apartment is solid; a usable and practical redesign allowing me to have space for work in a dedicated office; a workout area out on the porch; a usable living room for relaxing (and reading); a wardrobe making good use of the limited space; a kitchen I can actually cook and eat in and possibly even do some work in. The best thing about it: it will be fairly cheap and easy to do, with very simple means.

In the midst of all this I have found a new love for road cycling and am in the process of purchase a new road bike (waiting for the shop to give me a call of their new arrival of a new Scott bike). Also, I have created a preliminary workout schedule in my goal to be fit for the 2019 Vätternrundan. This means, when winter comes I need to have my home cleaned up and prepped for indoors training. Winter is closing faster than I would like.

But the question I am asking me every day all the time is: how could I let this happen?

I guess the answer is laziness combined with a mind stuck in dreaming. The detachment from reality is troublesome, still something I welcome as it brings forth inspirational ideas in everything from writing to home interior decoration. Now is not the time for dreaming and the detachment need to be fixed. I do like to be organized and structured, I perform well like that and I do actually like doing the planning work of it all. Maybe a little bit to much?

Trying is the first step towards failure? That might be true so I shall not try to change – I will change!